Really Deep Thoughts for Today

When I first heard this song, I thought how sad that someone was able to put into words what my brother was trying to do it me. I am censoring some of the words because there is a few.

But I think this is about a very destructive person who think they are not good enough to be saved. They they think they need to push someone away that is trying to help them when they know that they are the one that need to save themselves.

Ok I probably put way too much in the song, but there are my deep thoughts for the day.

Hate Me by Blue October

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know your under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a p&*^* (think a bad movie) feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months its one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I wont touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f***ing far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
For you
For you
For you

And to my dear sweet brother, I don't hate you. I never will, so stop trying to make me. I do think that you got the short end of the stick from our parents. You were so young and left behind. We all see you. Stop thinking that we don't. But don't think that you can keep living like you have been living. You are an adult now and you need to keep your life on track. Do it and keep on track because you need to live for you. Not for us. For you.

I love you dear brother.